Part 1 of 3 x F: Fight Fly Freeze. Challenging situation at work/college, how to deal with it?
Updated: Feb 13
Do you know how to react well?
This is Part 1 of the Sensitive and Difficult, and quite often avoided Subject: Work Harassment.
Why something what is real is avoided?
People who say, stay quiet, are just afraid themselves to speak, write, let others know. The fear is not the actual event, which might happened in the past, but is the fear of the been judged, to be put down, to loose something, maybe new opportunities, maybe new audience, maybe current or new position, maybe even reputation. But I do believe that you never loose anything or anyone, until you do not loose yourself, your values, your mission and your passion about what you do and for who.
My mission as UX/UI Designer and UX/UI Design Career Mentor is help others including myself too, to land to the best career ever where they feel good and they are treated well. Where they can grow and where they do know that if ever something happen, they will be protected or they will know how to react well, solve and prevent from happening again.
My blog posts are controversial, difficult, challenging, truthful, honest and also funny and quirky, depends of the subject. But I do not afraid of speak about what is unspoken. Blogs posts are different and I do write and speak about subjects which might be quite often avoided or even unspoken. Depends of the subject you always see different perspective, my point of view, we can agreed, we might not, but definitely, we might have discussion worth our time.
Why because I am truly passionate about what I do and how I do it.
Style is unique. You love me or you hate me. There is no space in between. No time either.
Fear prevents them from a proper approach. And even in the most challenging situation, I see the positive outcome and a good solution for each party. Although off course there is a trail. If the trail doesn't work the only smart decision is to ...and I leave it fro now and you will find out yourself after reading the message below.
Is H A R A S S M E N T at work real? What is your response to it? Have you ever experienced it or your colleagues around you? If yes, how have you responded to it? And if not, would you know how to respond to it correctly?
ONE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER ALWAYS
YOU ARE WORTHY OF HEALTHY WORK ENVIRONMENT REGARDLESS OF YOUR:
- MATERIAL STATUS
- PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
- POINTS OF VIEW
- SEX ORIENTATIONS
and your INCOME, CONTRACT, POSITION and ROLE in the company.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RESPECTED and if at any stage your work is not fully perform as required, this has to be spoken professionally and strategies to reach the positive outcome.
THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEADER AND "BOSS"
Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls in front of the pigs, they have not trodden them with their feet, and having turned them over, they have not torn you.
(Mathias 7, 6, Bible, New Testament)
You do not have to be Christian to know this phrase as every other main philosophy and religion speak exactly the same just using different metaphors. I somehow came across few times recently so I though I will use it as opening.
YOU HAVE TO VALUE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU ARE VALUE TO OTHERS.
And to value yourself, you have to know how would at least potentially respond to any challenge or difficult situation before even happens? Why because if you at least, you might prevent it!
I feel personal there are too many metaphors in all kind of books from Bible to Upanishad, Sastras, across Koran, Tora, Mormon Bible, etc. and anything else what I read, because plenty of people still experience all kind of harassment from domestic violence, bullying at school to sexual harassment at workplace.
WE HAVE TO SPEAK DIRECTLY ABOUT IT.
NO MORE DIPLOMATIC POLITE TALKS.
Why, because it does not work.
TO ANY BAD COMPANIES, I ONLY WORK FOR GOOD COMPANIES.
I pray that I will never ever experience anything like it and if ever I partly did, I knew how to solve that.
SO PLEASE DO NOT HIRE ME IF YOUR COMPANY USE WORK HARASSMENT "TECHNIQUES".
Because if the company tolerate or even encourage this type of bad behaviour and you will hire me, I won't be quiet. So stay away from me.
The place for which I work has to follow as myself the following
The 9 Law of Discrimination
The proper Conduct of Workplace
The equal Inclusivity and Diversity
The employer, employee and workplace policies and handbook
The Health and Safety
Teamwork Team mindset Team effort Also value great equal to all teamwork regardless of hierarchy as growing any business is the mission of all team members and team members are all from Leader to Junior
The Agile Mindset
The individual and team performance plans
I will never accept "blaming and shaming" techniques thanks to amazing places where I used to work and from where I learn all above. Thank you!
If your place doesn't it, do not ever even think give me a work, because I will teach you a lesson.
Even it sounds funny now, well, I would never ever tolerate and accept bullying myself or others around me even if I would need to walk away or loose promotion.
Maybe because I am qualified early child - Montessori teacher and summer camp tutor with years of experience of work directly with children from 2.5 years old to 18 years old across all kind of backgrounds, from posh kids to kids coming from disadvantaged families, orphan houses and also physical and mental difficulties and disabilities across 5 different countries where I used to live.
I feel being a teacher showed you how to deal with bullying attitude the RIGHT MINDSET to SOLVE and PREVENT not to Harm even the predator, bully or dictator.
After all, we all are still kids in some ways, and if certain employees didn't solve own post-trauma disorders or they have anger management issue usually due to another event in life, they might misbehave as kids do in school. Worst if there is narcissistic personality as they might never change even with a help of professionalist because as we all do know, narcissists they do not understand what means treating others well. Just there is no specific area in their brain, which is responsible for compassion, empathy and care of others. That time RUN...if you recognise one. Talking is actually a waste of time. Maybe try once, two, bring to 3rd party, HR, but honesty speaking, they incompatible to change. They cannot. It is just their brain weird that way. Off course, NOT EVERY Narcissist is bully but well, stats are much higher, if they are...
so watch out the various personalities.
PROMISE TO YOURSELF
I promise myself and to all colleagues, who also would ever experience work harassment, that with the any abusing place and "bullying bosses", I will meet straight in HR and/or Labour Court.
Dictator & Bully needs to be exposed to never ever harassed anyone else.
That's my Promise for rest of my life.
Well, my mum was social probation officer and therapist for adults and children abusing households and domestic violence. My dad joined social probation officer position in our city court as part time to his full time job. He was also trained in bodyguard as my mum was very petite. Petite but brave and even dangerous. ❤️
You do not mess up with Daughter of Parents like that.
Even if they are just average working class public workers.
Regardless how influence person you might be, how much money you make and what kind of role do you have in the company...
You can be a pope, a president...I do not care. You just don't do it. S I M P L E.
You also watch out how you treat others around me, because I will stand to protect them with their permission.
My mum's daily work life was between court, police station, therapy workshops, 1:1, reports and visitations in the most dangerous places in our city and county often in the late evenings.
I feel she was the bravest woman ever I met in my whole life. None of the parents is perfect. Yes, they screwed up a few very important things, but I honoured my mum and my dad for all what they did and who they had. I loved her for what she did for others and how much she helped thousands children, women and men, who needed to be rescued from abusive situations. Love you, Mum! ❤️ Let her spirit be in peace. All is forgiven. Dad, you did an amazing job too. Talk soon! Love you too. ❤️
Our ideas, mine and my brother for professions due to lots of volunteering was for myself: psychology - clinical, passed exams to University of Gdańsk, although decide that travels comes first and after that I became designer. Art was always a big thing in my household and as previously written, my dad was self-learning artist. And for my brother social worker specifically for prison rehabilitation.
I followed stronger passion, creativity and became Designer. My brother follows his passion for hiking and works on alpine ropes around Europe. Sounds cool to see the world from this perpective.
WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON DUE TO OUR PARENTS and STUDIES, INTERESTS, OUR BLOOD.
WE WILL CHOOSE THE SAME "F" FIGHT and after that another "f", this time prohibited so I won't write down, but I am sure you know what I mean.
MY FAMILY GAVE ME ONE BIG LESSON. DO NOT FIGHT TO WIN, DO NOT FIGHT TO BE RIGHT. FIGHT ONLY FOR A GOOD CAUSE OF ALL.
OTHERWISE PEOPLE MIGHT STEP ON YOU OR THOSE MORE VUNERABLE.
I know that my personality was shaped by my whole family and the background from where I am come from. My family characters strengths and yes indeed also weaknesses implemented my life choices and I thank for it as that's who I am. Never deny where you are coming from. Never. Even if your story might be challenging, even worse, never be a shame from where you come from and who was your family even if you actually never had it. That's unique to you and that makes you strong even if can break you first. Your background counts a lot. Your roots are your core. You need to just make choices if they turn to healthy string trunk of trees or weak weeds.
WHAT WAS YOUR RESPOND? OR
WHAT WOULD BE YOUR RESPOND TO IT?
There are only 3 ways to act on it.
Have you ever heard about:
Fly Fight Freeze Psychological reaction to Danger, Trigger situations or people...
If not, do please research, here is a very short recap in a very fast let's say without psychological jargon explanation.
Fly - without any initiation, at least even 1:1 spoken openly conversation of solving problem with bully, you choose to walk away, look for another job or even let go without have new one, you do not speak to anyone, you stay quiet and you eventually leave as soon as possible. You do not reach for any help even for your workmate. You just fly away as soon as possible and leave the space behind hoping the next one is not the bullying one.
Fight - first try to work out on 1:1, to protect, after openly talk with 3rd party involved (usually higher position), if doesn't work out, at this stage you might just walk away or bring this further and report officially to HR verbally first if it is not taken under consideration, in the written form, as official letter, if this doesn't work, you might again decide to leave or go further first with internal Work Union if this company has one or external straight with Labour Court.
Freeze - stay and do not say anything, "accept" outside but internally you will shrink and eventually shake even physically, stress out till the point you are unable to deal with hiding it, you will be over-exhausted, mentally broken, you won't be able to sleep well, take a proper right move out of the situation, you will be felling powerlessness, you will accept everything whatever the abuser will do to you, from raising the voice, calling you names even outside of work hours.
At some point the FIGHT will be over (fight in this case is Self-Respect, Self-Protection) to not be humiliated. It is fight for your employee rights. Human rights.
Although how long can you fight if you decide to leave this sh*t behind (meaning F*ck this).
Oh yeah, there is 4th F in this G A M E.
"when human minds are not truly open, no persuasion or discourse makes sense."
as written by Joseph Murphy
Life is too short to fight with dogs and pigs as per Bible. Walk away and do not give any more attention and talent to it even if you try with the best possible strategy to solve it.
Certain people would advice you to BE QUIET but well, because "we" are silent, we keep mouth closed, zipped, the work harassment still happens and it is sadly shocking that it still does.
And I have tendency to live by this what I speak, write and stand for.
I have values and also I do believe that to prevent something, to make change, we have to open up and become activities even if this is just a blog post. That's my Truth, my approach in which I do believe.
What I believe is important for me. Your approach might be different. You might choose to Freeze or Fly or even Fight for awhile but never speak about it.
Also I read few quite open up books, written by various authors, including previously quoted Joseph Murphy, who repeats constantly that "The best way to propagate truth is to live it." and I have natural tendency to live by what believe is truth.
In this case WORK HARASSMENT has to be solved. That's the Truth, which I do believe is necessary to be exposed if happens and prevented from happening again.
For now we finish. Part 2 is coming.
Let's take a rest from challenging subject. Let's rest, feel cosy with cup of tea and let's cuddle the pillow. Time to rest. Time to heal if ever you had or have now something what really is unpleasant and what make you feel uncomfortable.
We are in this together! Always ready to help.
See you at Part 2.
Work what matters
Do what matters
Design what matters
Code what matters
Lead what matters
Manage what matters
Direct what matters
Execute what matters
Collaborate what matters
Co-create what matters
Cooperate what matters